AI To Run QuakeCon Line Con in 2025, Sniffs Gamers to Decide Line Position

In a bold move toward scent-based egalitarianism, QuakeCon 2025 is deploying artificial intelligence to manage the famously chaotic Line Con, marking the first time hygiene will be algorithmically enforced.

The new AI system—dubbed “Febreze Prime”—will assign attendees a line spot based on biometric data collected at badge pickup, including how recently they showered and the chemical composition of their deodorant.

“Our goal is to prevent ‘line funk stacking,’” said Dr. Synthia Vapes, Lead Olfactory Algorithm Engineer at Bethesda Softworks. “The AI is trained on over 5,000 gamer scent profiles, from Mountain Dew musk to BAWLS berry blast, ensuring optimal social dispersion.”

Not all products are created equal. According to internal documents leaked to QNN by our horse reporter—who disguised himself as a vending machine—the system will penalize users wearing Axe body spray, placing them in the dreaded Friday queue regardless of their arrival time.

“The algorithm simply detected a 93% correlation between Axe and unsolicited anime monologues,” said Chad “Clippy” Dinkwater, Senior Line Logistics Officer. “This isn’t judgment. It’s science.”

While some attendees are embracing the scented future, others are alarmed. “I’m just here to play Quake, not be judged by a robot’s nostrils,” said LAN veteran Greg “SnaxPaxx” Blevins, who admitted he hadn’t showered “since Doom Eternal dropped.”

Still, QuakeCon organizers are optimistic. “By 2026, we hope to replace badge checkers with AI-enhanced pitbulls wearing GoPros,” teased one anonymous insider.

More on this developing scent-scape as it unfolds.