QuakeCon Attendee Demands Entry With “DNA-Locked” Gaming Chair, Cites Medical Needs

QuakeCon Attendee Demands Entry With “DNA-Locked” Gaming Chair, Cites Medical Needs

In what QNN is already calling “LANgate,” QuakeCon organizers are facing a highly unusual request: to allow a veteran attendee to bring a chair so uniquely customized that medical experts, chemists, and possibly hazmat teams are debating its safety.

The gamer, known only by his handle Faith710, insists the chair is “ergonomically broken-in” to his body over years of gaming marathons — and, crucially, “permanently embedded” with his DNA.

“It’s not a hygiene issue if no one else sits in it,” he told QNN’s own Horsebyte during a Wi-Fi-sniffing stakeout in the parking lot. “This chair has been through battles with me. It’s part of my spine at this point.”

QuakeCon officials remain torn. “We want to be inclusive,” said Dayana, Official staff member at Bethesda, “but we also don’t want to accidentally commit a war crime by putting this thing in the same building as other humans.”

Medical consultant Dr. Lee Havers put it more bluntly: “Imagine Chernobyl, but for upholstery.”

Horsebyte, for his part, claims he “borrowed” a swatch of the chair’s fabric for testing and is currently storing it in an unmarked envelope “next to a Pop-Tart” in his van.