Hotel Staff Beg For Mercy As QuakeCon And QuakerCon Merge Into ‘QuaosCon’

Chaos erupted this week at the Gaylord Texan after an apparent scheduling oversight led to QuakeCon, the legendary LAN party and gaming convention, being booked at the exact same time and location as QuakerCon, the nation’s most dedicated gathering of oatmeal enthusiasts and cereal historians.

What started as mild confusion over lanyard pickup quickly spiraled into total convention collision. “I just wanted to show off my 1790s Quaker bonnet collection,” sobbed Ethel Grantham, QuakerCon’s keynote speaker and self-proclaimed “Oatsfluencer,” as a Doom cosplayer chugged BAWLS beside her craft oatmeal booth.

Security was overwhelmed as cosplay-heavy attendees from QuakeCon were mistaken for cereal mascots by elderly QuakerCon-goers. One particularly heated moment saw a tournament finalist tackled after being confused for “Extreme Gritty,” a short-lived Quaker cereal promo character from the ’90s.

“I’m not saying it’s illegal,” said QNN’s own Horsebyte, reporting live while disguised as a hotel bellhop, “but I did witness someone LAN boot an HP Pavilion into a bowl of steel-cut oats.”

A hotel staffer, requesting anonymity while crying into a complimentary breakfast bar, said: “Please… make it stop. I’ve seen a LAN rig wired into a porridge crockpot. I think the oatmeal is sentient now.”

No word yet if the two cons will collaborate in the future, but there are rumors of a new crossover panel titled “Deathmatch & Dietary Fiber: Optimizing Frags and Gut Health.”